At my own goddamned stupidity.
And hopefully for once I'll actually finish and post one of these things.
But anyway.
I guess I'll start off with an apology. And I owe two people that. Those people are two men who I consider myself to be quite close to. Their names are Mark Horton and Johni Millar (Johni particularly, as it was he who bore the brunt of my outburst). And myapology is for somethign stupid, and that I maybe did overreact to. Of course, I didn't see it that way at the time, and maybe to a point, I still regard it as proportional (with my overly-emotional/female head on that screams woe is me and nothing is every really my fault. Or there is no such thing as an overreaction. I'm not sure.)
But anyway.
I owe them that, as as well as seeing it here (or at least, that's the plan), they will receive it in person, assuming I am awake when either of them are online. The joys of the boyfriend saying he'll be over at stupid o'clock in the morning, completely forgetting his girlfriend does like her sleep quite a bit! Or at least as close to in person as we can get, considering Johni is 180 miles away and just west of Leeds, West Yorkshire, and Johni is closer to 4000 miles away in Inman, South Carolina. I'd give a direction towards the nearest main city, but the nearest one I can think of straight from the top of my head is Charlotte, North Carolina and I don't know how far away that is. But anyway, I keep getting off the subject.
What happened on Saturday morning is an accumulation of things that have been building up on and off for years. In this case, following a conversation with Johni on MSN while he spoke to Mark on Skype (at about 7am GMT), the following took place.
Emma. Come Break Me Down said
I love Mark to bits, but being able to predict that this is going to annoy him is getting ridiculous.
I guess I'll go disappear off the face of the Earth for another few days. Since it's starting to look like I can't do anything else properly.
Dante the Iguana said
Emma, chill.
This is the final two excerpts of the conversation, the final piece being an offline message as I had set myself as offline after my final message. You see, what had happened was that in a game the three of us play, and most of the people who read this will know what that game is. What happened was on Twitter, where one of Mark's characters said something, one of mine disagreed and an debate over the entire point my own character was attempting to make occurred. I maintain now that my character was righ in her argument, but I will not explain that argument or what took place unless someone thinks it's a good idea. As this went on, it occurred to me that Mark would not like this. And I was told that this was the case. Which brought on the first half of what I said to Johni.
The second half was brought on by something that dawned on me a few moments later. When (at least in my opinion), I seem to be quite good at getting on people's nerves, and that it would be a better idea if I just disappeared again, as I have been doing fairly frequently recently in order to spend time with Steven, my boyfriend. So in my annoyance with myself and the fact I felt like once again I could not do anything right, I just logged off and stayed off the radar.
Was it an overreaction? Probably. Knowing my luck anyway. I'm not the best person in the world at having a reaction that could be considered "in proportion" with the situation. But here's the thing, this has been going on for years, and I have blown up like this before. I am not proud of it, and I am not using it as an excuse. However, it just happens that this feeling is a primary feature in my life.
It's not because I want it to be. That's the last thing I want. I don't like going off on my friends all the time. But the issue is an old one, and one that stems from school. As quite a lot of people are aware, I was bullied very heavily in school, right up until I was fifteen. And in bullying, the victim is often made to feel like they are not worth the paper that their birth certificate is written on, and that all they do is annoy people and you are generally unwanted. Or at least, that's what happened to me. Especially when in primary school and the two or three people who I could see outside of school hours preferred to spend their time with the other classmates or arguing with you as well. So it's quite deep rooted. And it carried on through school...and to a point, has always carried on. Quite often in my day to day life, I feel like I have to force myself to be heard. It isn't a lot of fun.
Of course, now I have something of a backbone. But the trouble is, my proverbial vertebrae are not made of carbon, much like diamonds. It is made of glass, and glass is very easy to break. Or sometimes, with age and strain, it just collapses. And I guess that's what happened. It was something stupid, but when it feels quite frequently like you have to push and push to be seen in the crowd, and when you re seenm you are seen for the wrong reasons...
I was told I had annoyed no one, and I try to believe that. But I don't. And I don't ask for people to show sympathy, I don't want it.
I just owe two friends an apology and an explanation for acting like a complete tool 37 hours ago.
Mark, Johni, I apologise from the bottom of my heart for acting like a complete and utter moron. I love you both dearly.
<3
